Your Lord and Xavier


If you have ever seen the music video for Muse’s Undisclosed Desires, you will agree that it is probably the most orgasmic thing ever to debut in pop culture. When I took a film class my sophomore year at MSU, I requested the video be played so often that I came to be known as “Musey.” Also, “that annoying guy” and “goddamn-it-will-you-shut-the-fuck-up-about-them-already”. After a dozen or so requests, my professor threatened to drop me from the class, and I pretended to let it go and that I was as enthralled with The Third Man and The Maltese Falcon as my peers, but really I was just lusting after lead singer Matthew Bellamy. I was therefore wholly unprepared for most of the discussions throughout the semester and ended up not getting credit for the course.

Though I tend to have a flippant impression on students and teachers alike, I actually had a strong preference for not failing my classes and few inhibitions as to what measures I was willing to take to achieve this, a fact propagated by the testimony of my former English professor. Given my reputation among the faculty, I did not think attempting to seduce my film professor would be entirely unexpected. I spent the last week of the semester, therefore, shooting my own sexy dance video to the music of Undisclosed Desires in my friend Naomi’s garage. I titled it “Your Lord and Xavier” and sent it to all the males and females in my class, and also my professor.

The video only ran four minutes, but I spent almost two days designing and constructing the set and costumes, about ten hours filming, and about fifteen hours editing. I also spent more than 500$ on equipment and props and 120$ on parking for Naomi while I was using her garage. Another incident ended up costing me an additional 300$. During filming one morning, the cat belonging to the couple across the hall snuck into the garage and injured itself with one of the pyrotechnic devices I had set up. I wrapped the cat, named Tigris, in a blanket and took it across the hall. Only the husband was home at the time, so I paid him for the cat’s treatments and for his silence. A month later, when Naomi and I went on a date with the couple, Naomi mentioned that she had not seen Tigris in a while. The husband gave me a significant look and answered that Tigris had run away.